I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
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She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
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It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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