I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
