I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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