You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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