If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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