I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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