the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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