here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
