her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
