never play flip cup with pint glasses
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
