The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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