I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
