the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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