think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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