i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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