I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
