Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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