I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
