dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She's the barista slut.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
