She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
