I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
