mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
