I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
