so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
