Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
