go do what you do best...puke behind churches
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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