Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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