the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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