Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
this is an emotional support booty call
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
