did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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