Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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