Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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