Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
