I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
