Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
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I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
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Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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