2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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