Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
