did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i've created a new STD.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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