I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
