Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
