I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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