If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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