Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
