someone threw a dead crab at me
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
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He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
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Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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