you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
