No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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