Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
