Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
