He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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