I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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