It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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