The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
