I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
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I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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