I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
